Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm way too hungover for life right now
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
