Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
