They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
