Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
