i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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