All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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