Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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