I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
