I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
