She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
