Will you blow on my dice?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
