My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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