Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
