I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
