ya dads aren't the best wingmen
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
he fucked my hip out of place.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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