he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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