i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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