I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
