God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
