i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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