Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
