you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
