So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
