census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
