When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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