Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
