just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
