my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
