Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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