Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
