My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am mentally ready for anal.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
