i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
