forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
