Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
