I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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