We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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