1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
