Already got asked if we're dating
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize