im holly from the hills drunk
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
