Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
