Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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