I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
