youre lurking in front of me
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
