I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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