did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
