how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
