She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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