I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
