I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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