I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
