Porn is love you can see.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My feet surprised me
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