ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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