May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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