before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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