Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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