Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So vagazzling was a success
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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