I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
