I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
